Sunday, December 18, 2011

Thoughts...

Do I set myself up for disappointment and failure?

I'm really very good at overlooking things I know I shouldn't in order to convince myself that I'm happy. But it never lasts...you can only lie to yourself for so long before you recognize the truth...or at least what you perceive as the truth. Am I dooming myself to unhappiness because I fixate on what I've lost or never had rather than what I do have and where I have the opportunity to go?

I've been reading some works by Julie Peters and she really has my mind working.




The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a
breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person your future dissolves in front of you. And of course, this is terrifying. But look, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together.

I've found myself in pieces, in a pile on the floor many times...and I always put myself back together again. The problem is that I tend to put myself back together nearly exactly how I was before...going down the same path all over again...stuck in the same behaviors...the same rut...until once again I find myself in pieces....I need to find a way to put the pieces back together in a way that lets me step out of the groove I've been in and forge a new path to something more fulfilling.

She also talks about our truth and how we may need to be more creative storytellers about ourselves. How the bare bones of who you are can make you feel uncomfortable and uninteresting. That the habit of feeling dissatisfied and sorry for yourself narrows your person to just those bare bones rather than the full, interesting and blessed person who we all are.




So pick yourself and your old stories up, and think about letting them go.
Look at what you are doing to your life every time you talk about it. Watch what you habit is, witness yourself about to tell some boring old story about how much your life sucks. Then stop. Take a breath. Choose some different details, and see if a more interesting, but equally “true” story can come out. You might be surprised at how much better you like yourself when you bring this into your practice, and how much less important that limiting statement “That’s just who I am” really becomes.

When I look at myself and my barebones story... It's enough to make me want to crawl into a hole and die. I'm a 34 year old, twice divorced, childless female who lives in a 450 square foot house with my cat. I have a job that doesn't inspire me anymore and I'm in love with a married man. I live a thousand miles away from my family and can't seem to build a good network of friends here. It's pretty pathetic actually.

But then if I think outside of that I can say that I'm a young, healthy woman who is lucky enough to have one of the higher paying jobs in this area. Get to enjoy the freedoms of a house rather than an apartment one of which is my Harley Cat. I have alot of skills and interests and the freedom to pursue any of them further. I do have friends here and have the time and opportunity to meet more. I am able to keep in close contact with the few family members who I'm invested in and occasionally do get to visit them. The man I love takes every possible opportunity to be with me that he can and treats me with more love and care than I've ever known. And oh how he makes me laugh! There's so much more... and I need to learn to redirect my thoughts to focus on those things...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Moving

During the past year, and especially the past several months, my focus has been on what to do with the rest of my life and what state/city I plan to do it in. I've considered Seattle and Minneapolis since I would have family in both. When it comes right down to it though I have lived in Arkansas for longer than I've ever lived anywhere else and the thought of leaving here makes me very anxious. On top of all that, I'm now with a man who I'm not planning on being apart from, so Arkansas it is :-)

That being said my lease at this house will be up in April and I'll be looking for a new place to rent. It has served it's purpose as a place of transition but I'm ready for a place that has a washer and dryer and a bit more space. It's exciting to think of moving into a place with a few more conveniences and one in which I haven't gone through such massive upheavals as I have in this one. The only thing is...I'm so damn tired of moving!

When I was in Wisconsin my mom and I tallied up the times we've moved and my count is around 50. I've lived in 21 different houses in Wisconsin, at least 2 in Texas, 1 in Arizona, 1 in Chicago which we moved in and out of several times, 4 in Colorado, 3 in Minnesota, and 6 in Arkansas. My mom can add over a dozen more to that list but these are the places that I actually remember. Also, that doesn't include times where we lived in our vehicle or a motel or stayed with friends.

I want a home that I don't ever have to move from...It's going to take me a while to get there but in the meantime, I'll be packing boxes and searching Craigslist for the next big move... :-)


Saturday, November 5, 2011

This about sums it up...


Capricorn Horoscope Nov. 5, 2011

Tremendous internal changes, intense effort, relentless determination, compulsive and irrational drives, and strong assertion of your will are the key issues during this time period. This is a difficult time period when you want to make intense changes. This transit can last for a number of weeks.


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Perspective

When you're in pain it's easy to lose sight of the big picture.

I wrote the other day about being uncomfortable with how hard my heart was feeling. That's just not who I am and I'm glad to say that wasn't a permanent change. I've always been a very happy person and I'm not going to let the actions of 2 people who don't care about me steal my joy.

While I see the need to protect myself and not let myself get taken advantage of, I also know that I'm a tolerant person who forgives the faults of those I love. There needs to be a balance there but I'm NOT going to err on the side of caution when it comes to those who love me....It's just not in me to hold people at arms length and limit access to my affection.

We've all been hurt by people we love...some of us get hard and some of us, me included, forgive and move on. I have a man who loves me, a great relationship with my brother, and the support of a few great friends...I refuse to not love them with everything I have just because not everyone in the periphery of my life is worthy of that.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

November 1

I'm happy to see October come to an end. Now that November is here I'm looking forward to a fresh start...the issues of the last several months and the pain of this last week have been worked through and I'm ready for happier days!

Gaining balance and setting boundaries has always been an issue for me. Several conversations with John over the past few days has gone a long way in setting that straight. We are finally at a place where he understands that we will never be a couple again and that we won't be communicating on a regular basis. It feels great to finally have that closure!

I'm looking forward to being more creative and social this month...I'm working on a knitting project and want to do a little card making. I'm also planning on reconnecting with some girlfriends that I haven't seen in several months. AND...I have 3 days off work coming up and I'm SO looking forward to some serious relaxation! :-)

Monday, October 31, 2011

Sorrow

This week though has really pushed me to my limits…I feel different, like there’s been a change inside of me, and I’m not sure how I feel about it or even how to process it all.

John once told me that he preferred dating younger women because they weren’t hard or bitter like older women sometimes were. I joked that maybe the reason those women were bitter and hard is because they had dealt with men’s bullshit for long enough that they had all they could take…I’m starting to believe that may not be far from the truth....

7 years ago I was going through a divorce with Lennie, who I shared a large network of friends and family with. As soon as the divorce was finalized I lost them all and oddly enough the only person I still have communication with is Lennie. It created a lot of hurt feelings but I moved on and when I married John I gained new friends and family. We’ve been divorced for 7 months now and the one thing that kept me from feeling too alone was that I hadn’t lost anything this time around. I was still friends with John and his family still loved me.

Last week John’s mom died. She was one of the most incredible people that I’ve ever known. She was tough, charitable, kind, funny, loving, and selfless. I learned so much from her and I can say without a doubt that I’m a better person for having known her. John left me a voicemail the day after his mom passed away and accidentally forgot to shut off his phone…When I checked the message from him I heard what he had to say…and then a 3 minute conversation during which I was being bashed by his family….who I thought loved me. John did try to defend me but the fact that women who I adore felt that way about me broke my heart.

There are so many facets to the situation but what it all boils down to is that I’m left feeling like I won’t be able to trust again. All my life I’ve loved hard. No matter how badly someone I loved hurt me I would always forgive and continue to give them my all…parents, family, friends and spouses…This time I don’t know that I can do that. It’s not a concern as far as the 2 women in question are concerned….I’m done with them. My worry is that I feel like I’ve finally learned the lesson that I am going to be hurt, need to not give my all to anyone, and I am the only one who I can depend on. I hate that! I don’t want to feel like that…and while I don’t think what’s inside me is bitterness… I definitely feel like I’m a harder person than I was a week ago.

I’m very uncomfortable feeling this way but when I look at it objectively I can honestly say that there are not many people in my life who always make decisions based on my best interest…so maybe it’s time that I start.


Thursday, September 29, 2011

Bread!

We were planning a date night and D decided to make his amazing grilled chicken sandwiches. Now, my man is THE grill master…I mean seriously people, he’s magic on the grill and these sandwiches are especially delicious. Chicken, bacon, cheese, and tomatoes on rolls…YUM! My only contribution to the meal was to go buy some good rolls to make the sandwiches on. Well, I didn’t want to be a slacker, so I decided to make my own sandwich rolls.

I’ve always been intimidated by bread making. I’ve made plenty of muffins and quick breads but when it came to anything that required yeast I wouldn’t try it. However, I knew I was going to have to try it this time! I found a recipe for jalapeno cheddar rolls and gave it a shot!




This is what it looked like while I was waiting for it to raise...nerve wracking I tell you!!

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And this is what they looked like when they were done! Not afraid to say that I'm pretty proud of myself!


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They tasted pretty good too! :-)




The recipe can be found here: http://cocineira.com/?p=4868












Saturday, September 10, 2011

Pinterest!

I’m addicted to Pinterest!

If you haven’t seen it, check it out:
http://www.pinterest.com/ It’s essentially a group of personalized bulletin boards… a great way to keep track of the things that interest you on the internet. Everything from articles and videos to recipes and jokes can be pinned. It’s also a great way to see what inspires your friends!

Anyway, it was from Pinterest that I got the idea to make a wine cork jewelry holder. I reused a picture frame and wine corks that I already had so it cost nothing at all.

The picture frame was gold. I covered it in black paint and distressed the edges when it was dry. I removed the glass, covered the cardboard backing with textured cardstock, and hot glued the corks to it. I think it’s pretty cool!


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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Fetch...



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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Harley...



brings me so much happiness! His crazy antics make me laugh...and I love when he falls asleep on me. Overall he's a really laid back cat...he has moments where he's a holy terror but he doesn't get stressed out about being handled...and he loves getting snuggled!


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Monday, July 4, 2011

Independence



It's kind of funny that the reality that I'm alone is hitting me on Independence Day. But that is indeed my reality. Yes, there is a new man in my life…but we aren't at the point where we share holidays together….and probably wont be for quite a while. My family is 900 miles away…and while John's family would welcome me at their celebrations, it just feels too strange to go there.

I have times when it hits me hard…the social and financial reality of being on my own…but it's holidays…when I would normally be surrounded by my family…that it hits me the hardest. The summer holidays are one thing…but Thanksgiving and Christmas may be where my perspective changes even further. I'm not going to dwell on it too much right now…

So for today…While I may not be surrounded by family…I will be surrounded by friends….and Harley (The kitten finally has a name lol) And in addition to celebrating the independence of our country…I'll be celebrating the fact that my own independence, while not always easy…is teaching me lessons I've needed to learn…and affording me opportunities that I wouldn't otherwise have had.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Happy Day!!!

I got a kitten yesterday! He's absolutely adorable! We're still working on a name for him...





Sunday, June 12, 2011

Head Over Heels!!!

How it all started is a story for a different day…but a chance meeting several months ago has developed into this profound love that he and I share. I can't think about him without smiling!

He's an incredible man...strong, interesting, thoughtful, exciting, smart, intense, funny, romantic, protective, and incredibly sexy!!! I'm so thankful to have him in my every day…and am so looking forward to a future with him!



Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The End of Indecision...


Ever since I announced that I was getting a divorce, the question that everyone has been asking is whether or not I’ll stay in Arkansas. At first I thought I definitely would. My job and my friends are here…I like the area…and for someone who hates change, the familiarity of those things is important. After my trip to Seattle I seriously considered a move…dispatchers make a really good wage there and it would open some doors for me if I decided to get back into the birthing community. My biggest concern is the amount of rain they get….and the serious lack of sun. However, it is Seattle and worth that trade off.

Besides staying here or moving to Seattle, the other consideration was El Paso. I’ve had my eye on the midwifery program at
Maternidad La Luz for a few years and the only thing that made me hesitate was the thought of John having to go to a graduate program that isn’t as highly ranked as the one at UCA. Once the divorce was a sure thing, I considered it a little more seriously. The question at that point was would midwifery be a viable option for a single person. It’d take a while to establish a clientele and even after that it wouldn’t always be a reliable income. Also, I’m not so sure I want to get back into the birth scene…

The decision was made one day not too long ago. I was looking at the guy that I’ve been dating, “D”, and realized that the feelings that I had for him were far too strong to fight…..I’m in love with him!


So Arkansas it is….easiest decision of my life!!!



Friday, May 20, 2011

The Graduate

It was really important to me that my little brother James graduate from college. I've always pushed the issue and insisted that he go....and then insisted that he finish. Well...he did it!!! Last week I flew to Minnesota to watch him get his degree.


I am SOOOO damn proud of him!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Awww!!!

My man is amazing!!! The other day he was looking at all of the cigar boxes that I have in my house...he asked me about them and so I explained that I like little boxes and have been collecting them for a long time. So today during my lunch break he suprised me with these:



The beautiful flowers are some that he brought me on our last date...so sweet!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

My New Spot

I love my new house...I'm so relaxed and comfortable here! It's very tiny which works very well since I don't have a ton of furniture or decorations and it also increases the cozy factor. :-)

It's under lots of trees and has a front porch where I spend almost all my time!

Also...I'm discovering that I really don't care for living alone but since I don't have a choice at this point, this is a pretty great place to do it!














Saturday, April 16, 2011

The L Word

I have fallen so hard for this guy!!! He's amazing!!!

Without getting into too many details...let me just say that I've never felt this way before! He is the most genuine person I've ever met. He's never critical of me and I always feel comfortable around him! He is thoughtful, attentive, sexy, romantic, funny, and smart!

I don't know where it's headed but I know I'm enjoying the ride!

Friday, April 1, 2011

D-DAY

Today one chapter in my life closed and another opened. I'm so happy to finally be able to say goodbye to the issues of the past few years....and even happier to see what new opportunities and experiences await... Things are getting really interestng with the new guy!!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

On the River

Canoed down the Caddo River today! It was my first time ever canoing and I am hooked!!! Got a sunburn...busted my lip with an oar...fell in the water....have a huge bruise on my back... And had the most fun ever!!! I am completely in love with it and can't wait to go again!

Water is a theme for me this week I guess...The other night I had a completely romantic date on the river bank with a really fun guy...it's my new favorite place to be! :-D

As a side note....I have a date with the same guy tonight and I'm really freakin excited!!!!







Friday, March 18, 2011

Girls Night!

Last night was a rare event! Almost all my girls were able to go out on the same night so we did it up right!

Stayed in town but had a fantastic time dancing...AND...I learned to 2-step! Ended up leaving the club to go to a house party and not long after that the police showed up because of a noise complaint LOL! Topped the night off with hashbrowns and visiting with some of my favorite deputies at IHOP :-)

A few of us enjoying a pre-party shot:

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Oh Seattle...How I love you!


Just got back from Seattle...and as always...it never disappoints! I met some great people and got to reconnect with friends and family. Had some INCREDIBLE experiences!



I am seriously considering moving there in about a year...I need to think about it some more but it's a definite possibility!


Had fun hangin out with Jeremiah:













Meeting sweet little Josie:







Going out with my girl Keely! It was an incredible night out!!!!










As much fun as I had...I'm happy to be home and get to settle into my new little house!





Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Here's to New Beginnings!

I found a place to live yesterday!!!! Well actually a coworker saw and ad in the paper and I called on it. Greshin and I went to look at it yesterday after work and signed the lease today!

It's all moving much faster than expected but I couldn't pass it up...It's the cutest little house and it's exactly what I wanted to pay!!! Also, it's a house and not an apartment!!! Oh!...It has a porch!!!

Went out last night to celebrate and recover from a hellish day at work and had so much fun! Friends, shuffle board, some drinks, and a hookah....good times! :-)

Kailyn and I after a couple drinks lol:

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Sunday, February 20, 2011

Hmmm....Girls Night!!!


Being single may not be so bad after all! :-D

Last night was girls night...A group of us went to Little Rock to see the Chippendale dancers and then went dancing at the Electric Cowboy.

Chippendales: Not so much!
Electric Cowboy: HELLS YES!!!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day





This is the first time I've ever been single on Valentine's Day...Not sure how I feel about that.



I spent the day with my girl Greshin. We had mani/pedis and did lunch at our favorite restaurant!


My friends up in dispatch were really craving chocolate covered strawberries so I went up there and made some:






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Friday, February 11, 2011

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.



FUCK FUCKITY FUCK!

Slap me square in the face if I ever mention marriage again!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Happy Happy Birthday!!!

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Best birthday EVER!!!



All my girls and several officers came out to help me celebrate and it was CAARRAAZZYYYY!!! They knew I needed a great time and damned if they didn't show me one...We almost got kicked out of JJ's LOL


No resolutions this year except to just keep swimming...