Friday, July 27, 2012

That Moment...

That moment in life when you realize that your life looks nothing like you thought it would...and yet magically it's everything you ever wanted.....

I have spent my entire life hearing the phrases "When our ship comes in" and "when I win the lottery".  That mentality pervades the small town that I'm from and is woven into the fiber of my family. Most of my life I have been the same way....always waiting for a change...waiting for something to happen that would make it possible to live the life I've always dreamed of.

As I grew older, I realized that I was going to have to take actual steps if I wanted things to change.  That I was ultimately responsible for my fate.  I made changes in positive directions and then would be devestated when things didn't turn out the way I had pictured them. There was also anger, lots of anger. Anger at myself for not being proactive or motivated enough, anger at others for making choices that got in the way of my plans.

And then one day I had this moment of clarity...I realized that life is about living in the now... without fixating on the future.  Plans change, people change, circumstances change.... Reaching out towards a perfect future makes it impossible to embrace today. 

I'd like to say that there was a lot of soul searching and spiritual growth that led me to that revelation... Instead it was the fact that for the first time in my life I was treading water....learning to live on my own and pay my own way.  Unable to rely on someone else to meet my basic needs, I was too busy getting through each day to be able to make plans for a fairytale future. 

One night at work I was sitting at my station and reflecting on my days off.  How much I enjoyed our time... And it hit me....I have an incredible life!  It doesn't look like I thought it would...but all of the elements are there...Friends, family, gainful employment, a great place to live, fun hobbies, cute pets, a reliable vehicle...

I still have dreams for the future...but they aren't based on a perfect storm of circumstances...they are a continuation of this beautiful life that I'm already so fortunate to have.

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