Sunday, December 18, 2011


Do I set myself up for disappointment and failure?

I'm really very good at overlooking things I know I shouldn't in order to convince myself that I'm happy. But it never can only lie to yourself for so long before you recognize the truth...or at least what you perceive as the truth. Am I dooming myself to unhappiness because I fixate on what I've lost or never had rather than what I do have and where I have the opportunity to go?

I've been reading some works by Julie Peters and she really has my mind working.

The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a
breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person your future dissolves in front of you. And of course, this is terrifying. But look, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together.

I've found myself in pieces, in a pile on the floor many times...and I always put myself back together again. The problem is that I tend to put myself back together nearly exactly how I was before...going down the same path all over again...stuck in the same behaviors...the same rut...until once again I find myself in pieces....I need to find a way to put the pieces back together in a way that lets me step out of the groove I've been in and forge a new path to something more fulfilling.

She also talks about our truth and how we may need to be more creative storytellers about ourselves. How the bare bones of who you are can make you feel uncomfortable and uninteresting. That the habit of feeling dissatisfied and sorry for yourself narrows your person to just those bare bones rather than the full, interesting and blessed person who we all are.

So pick yourself and your old stories up, and think about letting them go.
Look at what you are doing to your life every time you talk about it. Watch what you habit is, witness yourself about to tell some boring old story about how much your life sucks. Then stop. Take a breath. Choose some different details, and see if a more interesting, but equally “true” story can come out. You might be surprised at how much better you like yourself when you bring this into your practice, and how much less important that limiting statement “That’s just who I am” really becomes.

When I look at myself and my barebones story... It's enough to make me want to crawl into a hole and die. I'm a 34 year old, twice divorced, childless female who lives in a 450 square foot house with my cat. I have a job that doesn't inspire me anymore and I'm in love with a married man. I live a thousand miles away from my family and can't seem to build a good network of friends here. It's pretty pathetic actually.

But then if I think outside of that I can say that I'm a young, healthy woman who is lucky enough to have one of the higher paying jobs in this area. Get to enjoy the freedoms of a house rather than an apartment one of which is my Harley Cat. I have alot of skills and interests and the freedom to pursue any of them further. I do have friends here and have the time and opportunity to meet more. I am able to keep in close contact with the few family members who I'm invested in and occasionally do get to visit them. The man I love takes every possible opportunity to be with me that he can and treats me with more love and care than I've ever known. And oh how he makes me laugh! There's so much more... and I need to learn to redirect my thoughts to focus on those things...

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