Monday, October 31, 2011

Sorrow

This week though has really pushed me to my limits…I feel different, like there’s been a change inside of me, and I’m not sure how I feel about it or even how to process it all.

John once told me that he preferred dating younger women because they weren’t hard or bitter like older women sometimes were. I joked that maybe the reason those women were bitter and hard is because they had dealt with men’s bullshit for long enough that they had all they could take…I’m starting to believe that may not be far from the truth....

7 years ago I was going through a divorce with Lennie, who I shared a large network of friends and family with. As soon as the divorce was finalized I lost them all and oddly enough the only person I still have communication with is Lennie. It created a lot of hurt feelings but I moved on and when I married John I gained new friends and family. We’ve been divorced for 7 months now and the one thing that kept me from feeling too alone was that I hadn’t lost anything this time around. I was still friends with John and his family still loved me.

Last week John’s mom died. She was one of the most incredible people that I’ve ever known. She was tough, charitable, kind, funny, loving, and selfless. I learned so much from her and I can say without a doubt that I’m a better person for having known her. John left me a voicemail the day after his mom passed away and accidentally forgot to shut off his phone…When I checked the message from him I heard what he had to say…and then a 3 minute conversation during which I was being bashed by his family….who I thought loved me. John did try to defend me but the fact that women who I adore felt that way about me broke my heart.

There are so many facets to the situation but what it all boils down to is that I’m left feeling like I won’t be able to trust again. All my life I’ve loved hard. No matter how badly someone I loved hurt me I would always forgive and continue to give them my all…parents, family, friends and spouses…This time I don’t know that I can do that. It’s not a concern as far as the 2 women in question are concerned….I’m done with them. My worry is that I feel like I’ve finally learned the lesson that I am going to be hurt, need to not give my all to anyone, and I am the only one who I can depend on. I hate that! I don’t want to feel like that…and while I don’t think what’s inside me is bitterness… I definitely feel like I’m a harder person than I was a week ago.

I’m very uncomfortable feeling this way but when I look at it objectively I can honestly say that there are not many people in my life who always make decisions based on my best interest…so maybe it’s time that I start.