Thursday, December 16, 2010

Change

My horoscope and life have run so parallel lately that it's just creepy! The most unnerving thing about it all though is the thought that I've been down this road before so why am I on it again? The likelihood that I didn't learn lessons is high and I find that really disturbing.

About 6 years ago I wrote a blog post that was basically me raging against everything that my life was about at that time. I was 27 and impetuous and I posted my feeling with wild abandon not considering the far reaching impact that it would have or how painful my rantings would be for those who loved me.

Looking back, so much of what I was unhappy about was not external but was within myself. I blamed the issues on my upbringing, my church, and my marriage. While much of what I was unhappy about had a great deal to do with these things, they were not the core issues. Of course at the time I couldn't see that.

THE core issue was that I was living my life the way I though others wanted me to live it rather than following the pathways that felt natural. Because of this I found my life to be flavorless, limiting, and rigid. To make a very long, very painful story short, that blog post was one of the steps that I took to what ended up being a divorce frome a man who was my highschool sweetheart, the loss of his family in my life, and the loss of many close friends.

In that post I vowed to stop living my life as a lie and start living each day in truth. I stayed true to that....but only for a while....


My horoscope recently has been several variations of the same message: "This is a time of great personal change. You become tired of your role in life, and you are very sensitive to habits, customs, and social requirements that hide the "real you". You feel as though you have been drifting along with the tide and following the crowd for too long, and your inner needs and motivations must assert themselves more strongly. You must break the habit of feeling as if you must live your life the way you always have."

The past 5 years have been the hardest of my life and while I finally feel as though I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel it makes me sad to know that many of the things that I raged against and set down 6 years ago I picked up again along the way.

I have fallen into patterns that I was determined not to repeat and I need to begin dealing with that. So in a way I have come full circle and while on the surface it's discouraging to feel like I haven't grown beyond that, when I take a step back, I realize that I have. I'm not trying to totally break out and change everything....6 years ago I threw away the entire life that I lived rather than just the issues that I had a problem with. I won't make that mistake again.

So what does all this mean? What are the "issues" that are bothering me? I'm still working them out but I think the short list is:



  • feeling like I'm entitled to make decisions that are good for me even if they may be uncomfortable for others

  • being unwilling to compromise over issues that I feel strongly about

  • being unwilling to take responsibility for the happiness of others


  • Sounds pretty simple doesn't it? We'll see.....


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